"I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat!"

The title of this post is from a refrigerator magnet that I bought my sister a few years ago. The moment I saw it, I laughed out loud because it is so me! All through my teenage years, I thought I was HUGE! But, looking back, it was all about perception.

I remember the first time my weight was brought to my attention. I couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 years old when someone said to me "you know, if you just stay the weight that you are now, you'll keep growing taller and you'll be thin when you get older." And I was like "Huh?" I had no idea what this person was talking about but that started the consciousness of my weight. A few years later, when I was about 12, I got on the scale - I weighed 150 pounds. I went into the back yard, sat on our tire swing, and cried. I remember my dad asking me what was wrong. I told him and he, being one who had struggled with weight all his life, had no idea how to comfort me. When I was in 8th grade, a dance teacher pulled me aside, along with 2 or 3 other "fat girls" and tried to help us by suggesting that we chew gum after school instead of eating. I looked around at the others and thought "surely I don't belong in this group of girls?"

And, thus it began...I don't think my consciousness of my weight made me fatter but I think my awareness of it made me self-conscious and, unlike those girls who could just be bulimic or anorexic, I just didn't know WHAT to do about it so I comforted myself with what was available to me...food.

When I look back now, I realize that boys didn't avoid me because I was fat, they avoided me because I was WEIRD!!! But I always thought it was because I was fat.

I stayed generally the same weight, 170, for many years but, as I got older, the weight slowly went up. When I got married, I weighed 220 pounds but I was in love and happy and he loved me just as I was so I didn't concern myself with my eating habits. My weight kept gradually increasing.

It took us few years to get pregnant - I actually ate quite healthily during my pregnancy (Cafe Rio vegetarian salad, sans the tortilla strips and tortilla shell was my meal of choice at least 2 times per week!) and was down to to my pre-pregnancy weight by my 6 week check up! But someone had told me I could eat whatever I want while breastfeeding because all the extras calories go toward milk production. NOT SO! I gained weight so quickly, I don't even know what happened! I looked at my body one day and said "this ain't right!"

I tried several diets but eventually went on Weight Watchers. I liked WW a lot. I liked the accountability and the weekly meetings and the consistent help and advice. It was a struggle to change my habits but I lost 42 pounds in 7 months. And then I got pregnant! We were so excited and I was determined to continue to eat healthy. I did lament the fact that I would not be able to attend WW meetings anymore but, of course, the pregnancy was more important! Well, we lost that baby, it was an ectopic pregnancy. I tried so hard to get back into WW but I was too depressed and couldn't make myself go anymore.

So, I let myself go. After not too long, I was back up to 280 pounds. When my dad bought me the sessions with the trainer at the end of 2010, I was ready to make a change but so afraid at the same time! (See my first blog post for this story.) I just had to keep reminding myself that this whole thing started when I was 10...that's THIRTY YEARS of a damaged self-perception that I am trying to overcome. I can't give up so easily, I must be patient with myself and I need to keep learning how to believe in myself. I can do this.

It is very difficult for me to look at those Sunday pictures...I do not like them, I keep thinking "that's NOT how I see myself!" But they remind me that I need to keep trying.

As I was thinking about this post yesterday, I was reminded of something I read recently "For power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves..." I know I have power in me, I have made many HUGE changes in my life for the greater good before. I just need to believe in myself, believe in the power that is already within me.

Sunday Photos - Week 4

I was thinking about weight gain/loss in my morning fog today. I weighed myself last week, I am only up 15 lbs from where I was but my clothing is fitting considerably tighter than it was. It reminded me that I never REALLY believed that you can lose inches instead of weight, I always thought it was a trick that the people who say that kind of stuff were trying to play on my mind. Now that I have experienced it for myself...IT IS SO TRUE! You can lose inches but not pounds! I can see it and feel it in my stomach, abdomen, and behind. That's why I allowed myself to continue eating as I was because I wasn't gaining that much weight, so I wasn't doing that bad, right? Boy howdy was I wrong.

I think this is one of my biggest obstacles...the self-loathing I feel over allowing myself to gain so much. I tricked myself into thinking I was doing fine. I wasn't. I'm still not. BUT I recognize it and I am fighting it. It's a hard battle. It tires me out. I want to give up. But I won't. I refuse to give in to my self-loathing.

When I continue to think about the big picture, the reason I am doing this - for my health, for my family, for my grandkids. When I keep those things in mind, when I remember how good it felt when I was making better choices and stop lamenting what is past, I know I can do it. Another thing I realized this morning is that I haven't been visualizing that person I want to be. I have thought about what I want to accomplish but I haven't VISUALIZED what it might look like. It looks like a healthy girl who loves to be in motion, who has energy, who is smiling, who is a good example of healthy choices to her family, she is generous and serves others...she's thin too but if I focus on that too much, I get overwhelmed...she is content with herself because she is doing.

This week has been interesting.

Monday - Did really well, logged all my food, ate well, went to the gym.

Tuesday - Didn't get any cardio, had the munchies all day, still logged my food...didn't do too bad on calories. Had a breakdown that night over baby stuff.

Wednesday - Ovulated. Went to the gym. Logged food but still didn't eat very well. The gym is the only thing that saved me from being over calories.

Thursday - Isn't it Friday? I'm sure it's Friday! Did cardio "Just Dance 3" with hubby. Logged food, again, exercise is the only reason I am not over cals. I did make pretty good food choices though. I was really busy this day so I didn't have time to think about food as much - which can be good and bad!

Friday - I knew we would be having fondue tonight, I knew it on Monday and planned to keep my week lighter so I could have a cheat...THAT plan didn't work out very well! Ah well. The fondue was good, made sure I dipped plenty of veg but ate a lot of sourdough. The interesting thing is, when it's all chopped up into small pieces, you don't eat as much! The treats, however, were delicioso! I was somewhat tempted by the Oreo bites that I made but I had to have TWO of the oatmeal fudgee things that the Pitts brought!

Saturday - We are now just beginning our Sat...Sarah has invited us over for lunch and is making refried beans...her beans are my weakness! Guess I'll just have to eat a lot of salad.

Ever have one of those days...

...where you just can NOT get enough to eat? Seriously, I thought I was going to have to strap myself to a chair or something! Here is why I think I had this problem today:

1) I didn't have to be anywhere until the afternoon so I spent most of the morning waiting. I was doing laundry too but laundry day is the day I let myself watch the tube because I can fold laundry at the same time...no guilt. But I found myself very munchie during this time!

2) I was TIRED today! Tired and hungry seem to go hand-in-hand for me.

3) I think I am ovulating, that time and the other hormonal time are the two times my appetite seems to be completely out of control.

BUT...

1) The place I had to go in the afternoon was the gym and despite several attempts of my little devil voice to thwart me, I WENT!

2) After the gym, I felt great! I love that "glow" I get after the gym. (NO, not the sweaty glisten!) When my face is warm and my cheeks rosy, I know I got a good workout...THAT feels great!

3) Instead of eating the doughnut I was craving, with the exception of the 2 small chocolates (yes, only 2! And they were dark chocolate.) I made all healthy choices. I tried to make sure I got enough water too because sometimes I think I am hungry when, really, my mouth just wants a drink.

So, in spite of my overdoing the calorie intake today, I can still go to bed feeling good because I went to the gym, made mostly healthy choices in the midst of my munchies, AND got ALL the laundry done!

Sunday Photos - Week 3

Not much change...but my shoes are cute, eh?

(Monday) I am feeling pretty good because I did everything I should have done today! Yay! I made it to the gym and felt really good about my workout. I ate within my calorie parameters. I ate mostly healthy foods. I tracked my food. I got a bunch of those little things that I keep putting off done. Seth got to bed almost on time and got all of his homework finished. I am feeling accomplished!

There's a thought that's been on my mind a lot lately...I don't know exactly how it goes but it's something along the lines of "the more you make good choices, the easier it gets to make good choices." This is true for so many things in life for me, especially when it comes to making healthy choices for myself...something that had never been easy but, when I TRY, it gets easier with each success. This also applies to housekeeping, and spiritual areas, and routines...the more successes, the easier it gets.

The other key is taking it step by step, continuing to celebrate the small achievements and reevaluating the moments that don't work out so well and trying again. One thing I was reminded of the other day is something Lisa told me "don't wait until tomorrow to try again, try again with the next step." She was talking about health and nutrition, so she meant "the next meal" but I think it can apply to each step we take.

Good luck to you in your small successes - don't forget to recognize them and, for goodness sake, don't be too hard on yourself! You're probably the only one who expects so much from you!

Time Flies!

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. Here is my week so far:

1) Seth has been sick all week, which has totally thrown off my routine and the things I'd planned to get done this week, however, when I get to spend so much time with him, it makes me think more and more about home schooling...of course, he would miss his social life!

2) I think I used Seth's illness as an excuse to let myself off the hook for eating healthy. I made small efforts but the determination balloon I had blown up on Sunday was popped once my schedule was thrown of on Monday! Once I have a better routine going, it won't be so easy to stray...just have to stop making excuses and start doing!

3) My sweet hubby is taking on an over-nighter! I have no idea where but I am excited to spend some time with him. We don't spend enough time together, just the two of us, and I am looking forward to it. BUT I only received confirmation of the over-night trip this morning and the bathrooms and guest room need to be cleaned before my niece comes to babysit! Time ti get off the computer and to work!

Sick!

Seth has been sick - when he stays home sick, it totally throws off my evil plans to take over my world! I do enjoy spending time with him. Today, we played a math game where he colors in the sum on rockets - once the rockets are filled in, they "take off." These were some wild rockets that threw Seth flying through the air (on mom's knees) and landing into mommy trees. We had fun but my behind is bruised from all that rolling on the floor! The fun did make Seth cough too much though so we had to stop after a few launches.

So, back to my original thought, how is it that Seth staying home throws me off kilter so much? I haven't even followed my menu so far! Aw well, there's always tomorrow!

Sunday Photos - Week 2

Here are the most recent pics (Seth wanted to join the fun too). I know, I've changed a LOT, huh? Actually, I do feel different on the INSIDE because I actually did things that get me closer to my goals last week.

I don't know how you are but I'm one of those people who TRULY needs to take things one step at a time. I LOVE jumping in and going "gung ho" on a project but, when I am done, I'm exhausted! So, with fitness and health, I know it's going to be something that is LIFETIME, which requires me to change a LIFETIME of habits - that means there is no gung ho, I have to change my mind and habits bit by bit, I have to recognize that I will have set backs and tough times but the knowledge and power I gain by taking it in pieces can change my world permanently...step by step. I have to keep reminding myself of this so I don't get discouraged.

NOW, some goals for this week:

• Keep working on the water and make sure I get my vitamins every day.
• Keep working on the veggies (did okay last week)
• List breakfast and lunch ideas (along with actually going to the store to GET the things I need for these meals!)
• 3 days of weights, 2 days of cardio.
• Portion control.

PICTURES!

Saturday I realized I had not yet posted my weekly picture! Here is the weekly pic from Sunday, January 15. I felt like I was having my mug shots done!

Got a 2 week menu done!

I have actually accomplished a goal that is a tough one for me. Once I get going on a menu, I do great but actually sitting down to DO the menu stinks! It took me all day - I chose to do many other things that seemed more exciting, like cutting stuff out for Seth's class, but I finally finished it.

First, I grab a few of my healthy cooking magazines* that are geared at this time of year, that way I get recipe ideas that I will actually WANT to eat at this time of year and use veg that is in season. I have a big, fat binder which has printed calendar pages - I always use pencil 'cuz sometimes the menu needs to change. I also have pocket pages in the binder to hold mags, cut out recipes, and keep past calendars. If I didn't like a recipe, I throw it away or cross it out in the mag. If I DID like a recipe, I type it up in a recipe doc so I remember to use it in the future. I have found that it helps to assign a category to each weekday. See more "*" notes at the end of this post.

Here is our breakdown for the next 2 weeks:

SUNDAY - DAD COOKS** /CHEAT DAY***
JAN. 22: Healthy Cooking (HC) Oven Fried Chicken with mashers and broc (we went out to dinner last night so it will be a healthy day instead of cheat day.)
JAN. 29: Michael's choice

MONDAY - SOUP DAY (this will change to salad in the Summer)
JAN. 23: HC Beef Tortellini Soup w/ salad
JAN. 30: Big Batch Chicken Soup (leftovers will go into freezer for lunches)

TUESDAY - MEXICAN NIGHT
JAN. 24: Taco Salad w/ sliced oranges
JAN. 31: HC Enchilada Casser-Ole w/ salad

WEDNESDAY - SETH COOKS****
JAN 25: Pizza and a veggie of Seth's choice
FEB 1: He hasn't decided yet

THURSDAY - BREAKFAST/LEFTOVERS*****
JAN. 26: HC Broccoli Turkey Brunch Casserole, fruit
FEB. 2: Turkey Bacon, Eggs, Toast, Fruit

FRIDAY - CROCK POT
JAN. 27: Split Pea Soup
FEB 3: HC Slow Cooker Southwest Chicken & Rice w/ salad

SATURDAY - EASY/NEW
JAN. 28: Leftovers
FEB 4: Moroccan Chicken Thighs w/ veg******

I always feel more in control of my healthy eating if I have a menu because I have a meal to look forward to trying out and my grocery shopping doesn't go haywire! For breakfast and lunch, I just need to make a list of things I like to have so I can reference the list when grocery shopping and figuring out what to eat.

I know it will make a HUGE difference in my healthy eating to have this set up - now I am looking forward to making new goals for next week!

*Funny: When I started looking for recipes in the mags, the first 5 things I wrote down were DESSERTS! Guess my mind is still halfway in the holidays!

**A few months ago, I asked Michael if he would start cooking once a week, he agreed but he doesn't really know how to cook much. He does a pretty good job though! And I appreciate his help.

***Cheat Day - Once a week, we have cheat day, we get to make a treat and eat whatever we want that day. It used to be on Saturdays but it was too easy to go to the doughnut store so, since we don't shop on Sundays, we switched it to Sunday and make our own treats. I feel better about eating homemade treats because we can then avoid all the "extras" that are in store bought treats.

****I decided to start teaching Seth how to cook, when I suggested he should take a night, he was very excited. When I asked him what he would like to cook, the answer was PIZZA! No problem, we can cook healthy pizza. The nice thing is, when he cooks, he is more willing to eat what he cooks so, eventually, we will try to introduce other new things.

*****We don't usually have a ton of leftovers because we make lunches out of them, if the lunches start piling up or it's a dish that won't freeze well, we start having leftover nights more.

******LAST NOTE! I have not tried most of these recipes, I will post my faves once I've tried them. If you want the recipes now, let me know and I will post.

Three things

1) I ran out of time this morning so I grabbed a protein bar on the way out the door. I thought I had tried this brand before but, alas, I had not... I'm pretty sure the ingredient listed as "cyanocobalamin " is really just a fancy name for "essence of cow manure." It had just enough bovine bowel flavor to make my stomach hurt but not so much as to cause the whole vomit. Unfortunately, I HAD to eat the whole thing because I wouldn't have a chance to eat again for 3 hours! Hm...I think I need to plan better. The rest of the Pure Protein chocolate bars are going to work with Michael - he probably won't even notice the underlying flavor of processed field grass. I hope the other 2 flavors taste better 'cuz I got 'em at Sam's Club and I can't stand to waste the money!

2) I had the BEST chicken tonight, thanks neighbor Mindy! I think it was really healthy, I know it had yummy pistachios in the crust. I'll get the recipe and post it. It was delish and SO satisfying.

I LOVE having good neighbors! We were very blessed to have an amazing neighbor at our last home. His name was Dudley - he moved into our neighborhood in the 1950's and he helped to build many of the homes in our 1940's neighborhood so he must have been in his eighties when we lived by him...anyway, before we even moved in, he was taking our trash cans to the curb and gathering our mail and reporting suspicious activity. We always felt safe knowing our sweet Dudley was looking out for us. I miss him! In my mind's eye, he reminded me of how things maybe used to be, when people took time to be a friend and to take care of others - before we did most of our communicating via wireless. He taught us how to be better neighbors, I am thankful for his example.

3) I have had a few people tell me they have read this blog! Wow! I had no idea people would actually READ it! Thanks for listening, gals!

Why, Mother Nature, Why?!

Why is it that (seemingly) every time I am ready to kick some serious butt, Mother Nature comes along saying "I don't think so!" As she bobs and weaves her head with all kinds of attitude?

AND what is it about that most wonderful womanly time of the month that skews your vision so everything - mostly your butt - looks TEN TIMES bigger than it really is? I think the hormones affect your eyesight...fer reals! If your eyes go all wonky during pregnancy, why not at other hormonal times?

It doesn't matter though, I did pretty well yesterday - couldn't bring myself to toss the treats out but my water was great! I did get veggies in with each meal and the chocolate cupcakes were delish! (I know you are wondering what the choco cupcakes have to do with achieving my weekly goals... when I figure it out, I'll let you know!)

Today...

...is the first day of the rest of my life. Okay, what I really want to say is that I feel ready to continue that journey which was interrupted by my own self pity. I think it's okay to feel a little self pity but my 6 months of it need to be over! My goals this week:

1) Make a menu.
2) Get minimum 30 minutes of exercise each day.
3) Drink lots of water.
4) Have a veggie with each meal.
5) Give away or throw out any treats that are tempting me.

I am starting out with easy stuff so I can win this week!

A Little (okay, a LOT) About Me

In October of 2010, I had the opportunity to begin an amazing journey. My Dad bought me the wonderful gift of a gym membership that included a trainer. I was extremely reluctant to start this journey - not because I didn't need to but because I was afraid! I had NEVER been a gym goer, in fact, I can count on one hand the times I've been into a gym outside of high school and church! This was scary!

I met with my new trainer, Lisa, and she instructed me in how to begin. We mostly talked about nutrition and what my expectations were and how to achieve my desires. We arranged to meet again two days later. I arrived a little early for my next appointment with Lisa, feeling very self-conscious and still afraid. Lisa had gone to lunch - Griff, the gym owner, told me she'd be back soon and I should go ahead and warm up. I panicked! Warm up? What's that? Lisa didn't cover that! I didn't know what to do so I went and hid in the locker room. Lisa got there a few minutes later - I tried to pull myself together but I lost it, the tears were flowing and I wasn't even sure why. Lisa helped me talk through it and I realized that I was afraid of success! That I was afraid of letting people down. That I was afraid of doing this for myself. That I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. She helped me realize I just need to take it one step at a time and tackle each obstacle as it came...step by step.

Lisa and I became good friends over the next several months. I changed a great deal, inside and out. It took me a LONG TIME to get the nutrition part down - not because I didn't understand it but because I LOVE FOOD! And my lifetime of food habits were difficult to change...STILL ARE!

The fitness part was easier than I thought it would be: LOVE weights, LOATHE the treadmill (and most cardio in general). I got to a point where I rarely missed the gym for any reason.

In April 2011, I had developed enough confidence to try out for our community production of Hello Dolly! (I KNOW I would not have had the confidence had I not already wrestled some of my other demons via the gym.) I made it into the play, as well as my 5-year-old boy! We had a lot of fun doing it and, I found myself volunteering for everything, including props! There was a lot of dancing in the show - I found I didn't mind that cardio so much! I had a great time, it was a great show, with wonderful people, and I loved doing it.

So, in June of 2011, I was flourishing!

Near the end of the show, my gym sessions ran out. Now, this gym is AWESOME but it is also very expensive to meet with the trainers (they are worth it!) I could not afford to buy new sessions and we would be performing soon so I just decided to figure out what to do after the show closed. Also, about this time, I discovered I was pregnant!

Not too long after the show ended, we found out the pregnancy was ectopic and had to be removed. This was devastating to us. We had been trying since 2006 to conceive. We'd already had an ectopic in 2007. I don't want to go into all the sadness I felt but this affected me deeply for many reasons.

So, I had to take several weeks off to recover. Once I was given the okay to workout again, I went to the gym to see what I could do. Now, some of you are probably wondering why I didn't just go to a cheaper gym, right? Well, let me tell you how much this gym means to me...besides it being the ONLY gym I have ever known, the trainers there are amazing, especially the owner, Griff. Griff knows everyone's name and he always welcomes you and is available to help. So I talked to Griff about what I could do to afford to continue my process. He informed me that Lisa was moving to CA so she would not be available but that Kendra would be taking her place and could train with me. I then said I would even clean bathrooms to help pay for my needs. He said "that's not a bad idea!" Can you believe it? So, I now clean the gym to keep working out there and I meet with Kendra once a month too! I feel very blessed for Griff's help.

I would like to say it's been smooth sailing since but, alas, it has not. I did pretty well for a while with the fitness side of things but not so much with the nutrition. And the mental has been suffering since the ectopic. The truth is, I haven't been to the gym, except to clean it, since the beginning of December and I let myself go during the holidays and ate everything that came my way...and baked a LOT! Two weeks ago, I walked past my bathroom mirror and said "WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!" Almost all the work I did has been undone and I have only myself to blame.

So, here I am, starting almost from the beginning again (I am not quite where I was but close enough to shock me) and I have decided to share my journey this time. I learned a lot in the beginning of my journey but I think I have learned even more as I have left the fitness and nutrition path and am trying to get back on. I am going to blog about continuing journey here and provide support, along with some of my friends who are my personal experts on Facebook page: facebook.com/flourishstepbystep. I really hope we can support each other in our journeys, whether they be financial, health, spiritual, or whatever your personal journey is...your journey that will cause you to FLOURISH!