The title of this post is from a refrigerator magnet that I bought my sister a few years ago. The moment I saw it, I laughed out loud because it is so me! All through my teenage years, I thought I was HUGE! But, looking back, it was all about perception.
I remember the first time my weight was brought to my attention. I couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 years old when someone said to me "you know, if you just stay the weight that you are now, you'll keep growing taller and you'll be thin when you get older." And I was like "Huh?" I had no idea what this person was talking about but that started the consciousness of my weight. A few years later, when I was about 12, I got on the scale - I weighed 150 pounds. I went into the back yard, sat on our tire swing, and cried. I remember my dad asking me what was wrong. I told him and he, being one who had struggled with weight all his life, had no idea how to comfort me. When I was in 8th grade, a dance teacher pulled me aside, along with 2 or 3 other "fat girls" and tried to help us by suggesting that we chew gum after school instead of eating. I looked around at the others and thought "surely I don't belong in this group of girls?"
And, thus it began...I don't think my consciousness of my weight made me fatter but I think my awareness of it made me self-conscious and, unlike those girls who could just be bulimic or anorexic, I just didn't know WHAT to do about it so I comforted myself with what was available to me...food.
When I look back now, I realize that boys didn't avoid me because I was fat, they avoided me because I was WEIRD!!! But I always thought it was because I was fat.
I stayed generally the same weight, 170, for many years but, as I got older, the weight slowly went up. When I got married, I weighed 220 pounds but I was in love and happy and he loved me just as I was so I didn't concern myself with my eating habits. My weight kept gradually increasing.
It took us few years to get pregnant - I actually ate quite healthily during my pregnancy (Cafe Rio vegetarian salad, sans the tortilla strips and tortilla shell was my meal of choice at least 2 times per week!) and was down to to my pre-pregnancy weight by my 6 week check up! But someone had told me I could eat whatever I want while breastfeeding because all the extras calories go toward milk production. NOT SO! I gained weight so quickly, I don't even know what happened! I looked at my body one day and said "this ain't right!"
I tried several diets but eventually went on Weight Watchers. I liked WW a lot. I liked the accountability and the weekly meetings and the consistent help and advice. It was a struggle to change my habits but I lost 42 pounds in 7 months. And then I got pregnant! We were so excited and I was determined to continue to eat healthy. I did lament the fact that I would not be able to attend WW meetings anymore but, of course, the pregnancy was more important! Well, we lost that baby, it was an ectopic pregnancy. I tried so hard to get back into WW but I was too depressed and couldn't make myself go anymore.
So, I let myself go. After not too long, I was back up to 280 pounds. When my dad bought me the sessions with the trainer at the end of 2010, I was ready to make a change but so afraid at the same time! (See my first blog post for this story.) I just had to keep reminding myself that this whole thing started when I was 10...that's THIRTY YEARS of a damaged self-perception that I am trying to overcome. I can't give up so easily, I must be patient with myself and I need to keep learning how to believe in myself. I can do this.
It is very difficult for me to look at those Sunday pictures...I do not like them, I keep thinking "that's NOT how I see myself!" But they remind me that I need to keep trying.
As I was thinking about this post yesterday, I was reminded of something I read recently "For power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves..." I know I have power in me, I have made many HUGE changes in my life for the greater good before. I just need to believe in myself, believe in the power that is already within me.
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