"I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat!"

The title of this post is from a refrigerator magnet that I bought my sister a few years ago. The moment I saw it, I laughed out loud because it is so me! All through my teenage years, I thought I was HUGE! But, looking back, it was all about perception.

I remember the first time my weight was brought to my attention. I couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 years old when someone said to me "you know, if you just stay the weight that you are now, you'll keep growing taller and you'll be thin when you get older." And I was like "Huh?" I had no idea what this person was talking about but that started the consciousness of my weight. A few years later, when I was about 12, I got on the scale - I weighed 150 pounds. I went into the back yard, sat on our tire swing, and cried. I remember my dad asking me what was wrong. I told him and he, being one who had struggled with weight all his life, had no idea how to comfort me. When I was in 8th grade, a dance teacher pulled me aside, along with 2 or 3 other "fat girls" and tried to help us by suggesting that we chew gum after school instead of eating. I looked around at the others and thought "surely I don't belong in this group of girls?"

And, thus it began...I don't think my consciousness of my weight made me fatter but I think my awareness of it made me self-conscious and, unlike those girls who could just be bulimic or anorexic, I just didn't know WHAT to do about it so I comforted myself with what was available to me...food.

When I look back now, I realize that boys didn't avoid me because I was fat, they avoided me because I was WEIRD!!! But I always thought it was because I was fat.

I stayed generally the same weight, 170, for many years but, as I got older, the weight slowly went up. When I got married, I weighed 220 pounds but I was in love and happy and he loved me just as I was so I didn't concern myself with my eating habits. My weight kept gradually increasing.

It took us few years to get pregnant - I actually ate quite healthily during my pregnancy (Cafe Rio vegetarian salad, sans the tortilla strips and tortilla shell was my meal of choice at least 2 times per week!) and was down to to my pre-pregnancy weight by my 6 week check up! But someone had told me I could eat whatever I want while breastfeeding because all the extras calories go toward milk production. NOT SO! I gained weight so quickly, I don't even know what happened! I looked at my body one day and said "this ain't right!"

I tried several diets but eventually went on Weight Watchers. I liked WW a lot. I liked the accountability and the weekly meetings and the consistent help and advice. It was a struggle to change my habits but I lost 42 pounds in 7 months. And then I got pregnant! We were so excited and I was determined to continue to eat healthy. I did lament the fact that I would not be able to attend WW meetings anymore but, of course, the pregnancy was more important! Well, we lost that baby, it was an ectopic pregnancy. I tried so hard to get back into WW but I was too depressed and couldn't make myself go anymore.

So, I let myself go. After not too long, I was back up to 280 pounds. When my dad bought me the sessions with the trainer at the end of 2010, I was ready to make a change but so afraid at the same time! (See my first blog post for this story.) I just had to keep reminding myself that this whole thing started when I was 10...that's THIRTY YEARS of a damaged self-perception that I am trying to overcome. I can't give up so easily, I must be patient with myself and I need to keep learning how to believe in myself. I can do this.

It is very difficult for me to look at those Sunday pictures...I do not like them, I keep thinking "that's NOT how I see myself!" But they remind me that I need to keep trying.

As I was thinking about this post yesterday, I was reminded of something I read recently "For power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves..." I know I have power in me, I have made many HUGE changes in my life for the greater good before. I just need to believe in myself, believe in the power that is already within me.

Sunday Photos - Week 4

I was thinking about weight gain/loss in my morning fog today. I weighed myself last week, I am only up 15 lbs from where I was but my clothing is fitting considerably tighter than it was. It reminded me that I never REALLY believed that you can lose inches instead of weight, I always thought it was a trick that the people who say that kind of stuff were trying to play on my mind. Now that I have experienced it for myself...IT IS SO TRUE! You can lose inches but not pounds! I can see it and feel it in my stomach, abdomen, and behind. That's why I allowed myself to continue eating as I was because I wasn't gaining that much weight, so I wasn't doing that bad, right? Boy howdy was I wrong.

I think this is one of my biggest obstacles...the self-loathing I feel over allowing myself to gain so much. I tricked myself into thinking I was doing fine. I wasn't. I'm still not. BUT I recognize it and I am fighting it. It's a hard battle. It tires me out. I want to give up. But I won't. I refuse to give in to my self-loathing.

When I continue to think about the big picture, the reason I am doing this - for my health, for my family, for my grandkids. When I keep those things in mind, when I remember how good it felt when I was making better choices and stop lamenting what is past, I know I can do it. Another thing I realized this morning is that I haven't been visualizing that person I want to be. I have thought about what I want to accomplish but I haven't VISUALIZED what it might look like. It looks like a healthy girl who loves to be in motion, who has energy, who is smiling, who is a good example of healthy choices to her family, she is generous and serves others...she's thin too but if I focus on that too much, I get overwhelmed...she is content with herself because she is doing.

This week has been interesting.

Monday - Did really well, logged all my food, ate well, went to the gym.

Tuesday - Didn't get any cardio, had the munchies all day, still logged my food...didn't do too bad on calories. Had a breakdown that night over baby stuff.

Wednesday - Ovulated. Went to the gym. Logged food but still didn't eat very well. The gym is the only thing that saved me from being over calories.

Thursday - Isn't it Friday? I'm sure it's Friday! Did cardio "Just Dance 3" with hubby. Logged food, again, exercise is the only reason I am not over cals. I did make pretty good food choices though. I was really busy this day so I didn't have time to think about food as much - which can be good and bad!

Friday - I knew we would be having fondue tonight, I knew it on Monday and planned to keep my week lighter so I could have a cheat...THAT plan didn't work out very well! Ah well. The fondue was good, made sure I dipped plenty of veg but ate a lot of sourdough. The interesting thing is, when it's all chopped up into small pieces, you don't eat as much! The treats, however, were delicioso! I was somewhat tempted by the Oreo bites that I made but I had to have TWO of the oatmeal fudgee things that the Pitts brought!

Saturday - We are now just beginning our Sat...Sarah has invited us over for lunch and is making refried beans...her beans are my weakness! Guess I'll just have to eat a lot of salad.

Ever have one of those days...

...where you just can NOT get enough to eat? Seriously, I thought I was going to have to strap myself to a chair or something! Here is why I think I had this problem today:

1) I didn't have to be anywhere until the afternoon so I spent most of the morning waiting. I was doing laundry too but laundry day is the day I let myself watch the tube because I can fold laundry at the same time...no guilt. But I found myself very munchie during this time!

2) I was TIRED today! Tired and hungry seem to go hand-in-hand for me.

3) I think I am ovulating, that time and the other hormonal time are the two times my appetite seems to be completely out of control.

BUT...

1) The place I had to go in the afternoon was the gym and despite several attempts of my little devil voice to thwart me, I WENT!

2) After the gym, I felt great! I love that "glow" I get after the gym. (NO, not the sweaty glisten!) When my face is warm and my cheeks rosy, I know I got a good workout...THAT feels great!

3) Instead of eating the doughnut I was craving, with the exception of the 2 small chocolates (yes, only 2! And they were dark chocolate.) I made all healthy choices. I tried to make sure I got enough water too because sometimes I think I am hungry when, really, my mouth just wants a drink.

So, in spite of my overdoing the calorie intake today, I can still go to bed feeling good because I went to the gym, made mostly healthy choices in the midst of my munchies, AND got ALL the laundry done!